We Are Not Swans
by Neil R Davis (Lifted from the Community Message Board)
It is a wet, clammy, cold day here today and
the long weekend is over, and it is time for another workday Monday. I feel
as if it has been so long since I was at work, and as usual, I feel more
like cuddling my cats than going to work.
But like the bumper sticker that I saw once,
parodying the 7 dwarfs songs, I sing today this little ditty, (ahem, mmeee
mee mee me mee); "I owe, I owe, so off to work I go...." LOL
I have read just a few posts this morning, and
I realize how far I have come by comparing myself to some of you. I say that
not to beat my chest or brag, I say it merely as a statement of fact. I am
in a far different place today that in July when I discovered this
place.
For those who don't know my particular tale of
woe, after loving a woman for over 20 years (short version; we met in college,
fell in love, went separate ways, split apart, led different lives, and then
reconnected 5 years ago, then split up finally and forever) I was crushed
this past July.
I saw her to get a book from her that I had lent
her. It was a ruse just to see her. I was obsessed with her, and made all
the classic mistakes of an obsessed and insecure person. And when we saw
each other, I jokingly asked her if she was engaged yet, and she shocked
me by saying yes, she was indeed engaged.
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And at that point in time, something snapped.
I couldn't function, couldn't think, couldn't sleep, became irritable, thought
it was so unfair, etc etc.
And today? Today, with the good counsel of Tig's
book, and the support of a good network of friends (including those new friends
I have made here), I am much better.
I did a lot of soul searching, and finally admitted
some basic truths that I had been denying for so long.
And once I admitted those truths, life became
gradually easier and better. Many of the people here on this board are the
same as me. They are the types that deny reality, that obsess about someone
else to avoid dealing with themselves, and are sometimes insecure about
themselves, their lives, etc.
If this describes you to a certain degree, take
some solace in that. You are not alone. You may be lonely, anxious, depressed,
feeling a little lost, wondering if you will ever love again, and are even
a little pathetic and pitiful at the moment.
We all have been there. Don't worry, because
these feelings shall pass with time, and work. You are not the first to feel
this way. You certainly shall not be the last.
Many of our problems result from the false and
idyllic messages we receive from Hollywood and Madison Avenue ad firms. And
that is the false message of the "one and only soulmate", that we are all
supposed to find, and live happily ever after.
This is an age old notion, and a very romantic
and noble one at that. It is so destructive at its very heart though, so
illogical, and ultimately, so very false. It is at the root of many of our
broken hearts.
I have written here before about this fallacy.
I could expound on it so much, but I will say that I don't buy into it any
more.
Swans mate for life. Those beautiful, elegant
birds effortlessly gliding across a serene lake in pairs, they mate for life.
That is pure biology and instinct. Is that all that we are as human beings?
Biology and instinct? I don't think so. We are so much more than any other
creation of God. We have a mind, and opposable thumbs, and have been given
dominion over all of the Earth.
Back to the swans; they find a mate for life,
for various biological reasons that has been shaped by evolution. And when
they lose this lifetime mate? What happens to the remaining swan?
They become nasty, and aggressive. You don't
want to be around them. They hiss, and they chase you, and they nip at you.
All because they lost their "one and only".
Not us though. We may resemble the swan for a
while, but humans have a remarkable capacity to heal themselves, and this
unquantifiable thing known as a "heart" and a "soul" and a "spirit" and all
the other things that distinguish us from swans, and all other animals in
nature.
And if we really did have a "one and only" and
that person was taken from us, should we become like the swan? Should become
angry, and aggressive, and nasty for the rest of our miserable lives? I think
not.
That is not how things go with us humans. We
move on. We mend. We heal. And we find another.
Will that next person replace the person you
loved first? Nope. Will you ever forget that person you loved? Nope. Will
you heal your wounds, face realities, and forgive yourself and them for being
human, and leaving you? That's up to you.
But I know that I am not here to suffer, or
to make my life any more unpleasant or harder than it already is. I am here
to live a good life, in all its forms. I am here to help others, to create,
to do good deeds, to make others laugh, and to be a good boy. I am also here
to be a good role model, to be mischevious, to be a good husband (again,
someday), and to share whatever I can with others.
And with some good luck, and some hard work,
I am so much better today. I ain't no swan who lost its "one and only"
soulmate.
If I may speak rather frankly, and in everyday
english, this one and only soulmate crap is enough to make me barf sometimes.
Ha ha! I said barf.
Isn't barf a funny word? Sorry, I digress.
Well, I have rambled enough here. I hope some
of this made sense. It is not particularly new in its message. I wrote about
this concept once or twice before, and in fact, I really pissed off one of
the posters here in delivering this message, because she was as or more obsessive
than me in professing her undying love for her one and only.
And that obsessive stuff don't play too well
for me anymore. My life and my happiness does not hang in the balance whether
or not my "one and only" is in my life, and loves me.
I have learned to become happy by myself, with
myself. I put the focus on me, and off of her. I gave her back to herself
(Tig's advice in "How To Get Over a Breakup"--great
book btw), and I found me again. Voila!
And you can too. Give yourself time to feel,
to grieve, to do the work, to become less obsessed, to let go, to accept
reality, and to forgive yourself and the other person. They are only human
too you know. Chances are they were not trying to hurt you, they were just
trying to find happiness. And who can find fault with that?
Happy post thanksgiving everybody. Hope you enjoyed
this little sermon.
Peace,
NR
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