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When we are dumped it creates a grief that is far more intense than the loss of love through death. With death the person who has died has not consciously elected to withdraw their love for you. You get a sense of closure and finalization. Death has no possibilities of changing its mind! But when we are dumped the person has made the decision to withdraw from you and desert you. They have rejected you, turned their back to you, and, often times, moved on to someone else. Getting 'dumped' hurts like hell. It sucker-punches the very air out of us and leaves us feeling alone, lost, and hopeless. We lose our very selfs when the person we love makes the conscious decision to leave us.

The grief of being abandoned can quickly progress to extreme sadness, self doubt, insecurity, and fear. Abandonment drains our self-esteem. It can lead to depression, addictions, compulsions, and uncontrollable anxiety or panic attacks. In extreme cases, some are left with suicidal thoughts. If left unresolved, abandonment can interfere with - or even prevent - any healthy future relationships. Once in this cycle, we will often find ourselves abandoned over and over again, as we become either blocked from fully connecting to others, or struggle with extreme-attachment for fear of being abandoned again. We may accept abuse and infidelity, just to avoid feelings of abandonment. Sometimes we remain in a panic-like state of obsessiveness and hyper-vigilance towards our abandoner, or inner focused on our own pain and hurt. We often carry with us feelings of being deserted, needy, and demoralized. Eventually, our lack of self-control makes us feel like a victim within our own creation, causing self hatred, harm, or injury.

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Curing the grief that surrounds you is to find happiness within you. Sounds impossible, but it isn't. It is not only very possible, it has been there all along. If it weren't you would have curled up in a ball at the foot of the one who left you, and died. And, yes, you might have felt that way, but did you do it? No! Because you still know, buried deep inside of you, that your ex was not the be-all to your life. And how do I know that? Because you are here, reading this, looking for answers to your pain. Searching for help to mend your abandoned self! You have the courage and the desire to 'continue on'. You believe in you, you have faith in life, and you are aware of your capacity to love again. A new and better life is not only possible, not only probable, but a plain and simple fact.

But right now, you just hurt. And you hurt bad. And you want to know why.

Well...look at it this way. You loved someone. You loved them very much. And they abandoned you. You thought the world of them and they crushed your heart and stole your dreams. Wow - so much power they have...to be able to inflict such heavy and massive destruction to your well-being. And with this 'imposed' power they become almost 'God-like' to you. You subconsciously fear this power, and by fearing it, the object of your power - your ex - actually becomes almost like an obsession to you. You think about them all the time, You dream of them. They're the first thought in your head when you wake and the last when you go to sleep. And this constant dwelling confuses you. You actually come to believe that you love them and need them far more than you actually do.

And, what about the one who abandoned you?

Here are some facts to ponder:

Some abandoners often times feel powerful in the fact that they can and have inflicted so much emotional pain on someone. They feel almighty in the knowledge that they have, alone, created such extensive devastation. They might even feel a heightened sense of self-importance. Sadly, their ego may be exaggerated as they witness either the begging and pleas, or the hopeless, lost agony coming from you. (See 'How to STOP a Breakup')

Often abandoners will not openly admit to these feelings of triumph. Hiding these emotions, they will more often than not, tend to relay feeling of guilt or regret, either for causing the other person pain, or simply because they are 'sorry that the relationship didn't work out'.

However, for many abandoners the guilt is very real. To diminish their own guilt, and justify their decision to end the relationship, they will often point the finger away from them, blaming the other person (you) for the breakup, or for the problems in the relationship. They will attempt to save their own face at all costs. Even the cost of you. They often come off as callous, heartless, or cruel to the ones they left behind. Many 'dumpees' have come up to me and asked, "How can they just move on so easily, and not hurt like I do? How can someone who claimed they loved me just two weeks ago, this week announce to the world that I am a neurotic bitch?"

Let me point out that many who make the choice to leave and end a relationship do not set out directly to cause hurt and pain. Their main goal is to find happiness and personal fulfillment, not to directly cause hurt to someone they care about.

~by Tigress Luv

Tigress Luv , the Breakup Guru, is the author of How to Get Over a Breakup, an instantly available online webBook and website, or ebook download, designed to help you understand and heal from a broken heart, and How to STOP a Breakup, also an instantly available webBook and website, or downloadable ebook, designed to help you STOP or reverse your breakup and get your ex back. Both are available on this site and are free when you join our community.

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Curl her toes with these tips and techniques!

The Girls' Guide to Surviving a Break-Up The essential female companion from the first moment he walks out of your life! The Girls' Guide to Surviving a Break-Up offers step-by-step advice for getting over him.

The Hell with Love: Poems to Mend a Broken Heart Finally a book of poetry that describes every emotion you go through when you are in love and heart broken. This book is amazing and wonderful. I recommend it to who ever loves poetry and ever had a broken heart.

He's Just Not That Into You (The Newly Expanded Edition): The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys It seems like everywhere you turn the phrase "He's just not that into you" is being thrown around. And for good reason! The ladies are finally done waiting by the phone - hey, why sit at home for the phone to ring when it's so obvious that he's just not that into you?

Women Men Love, Women Men Leave: What Makes Men Want to Commit? In easy psychological terms, this book helps a woman understand why a man may react negatively to her even when she feels she's doing everything right for a relationship. With different female personalities portrayed, the reader will find themselves fitting one or more of the profiles.

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